A Field Guide to Corporate Jargon, As Used by Manager OTG
What follows is not a complete list. A complete list would be book-length and would make you sad. This is a starter pack. Translations are based on field observation across four employers, two consultancies, and one all-hands meeting that lasted ninety-three minutes and produced no decisions.
Each entry has the phrase Manager OTG uses, what he believes he is communicating, and what he is actually communicating. The third part is the only one that matters.
The phrases
Align / alignment
He thinks it means: agreement reached through productive discussion.
It means: he has decided. We are going to talk about his decision until everyone in the room is too tired to disagree with it.
Bandwidth
He thinks it means: capacity for new work.
It means: a way to ask you to do something while pretending he is concerned about your wellbeing. "Do you have bandwidth?" is a yes/no question with one acceptable answer.
Circle back
He thinks it means: we will return to this productively.
It means: we will not return to this. The decision has been deferred and will continue to be deferred until either (a) someone else decides it for him or (b) the underlying problem has resolved on its own. He has, technically, kept his commitment to revisit.
Double-click on that
He thinks it means: let's go deeper.
It means: he didn't understand what you just said and would like you to start over, more slowly, with fewer specifics, until he can find a part to nod at.
Drive (verb)
He thinks it means: lead, push forward.
It means: you will own the failure of. He will own the success of. The verb "drive" is how blame and credit are pre-assigned in opposite directions before any work is done.
Ducks in a row
He thinks it means: prepared, organized.
It means: he is going to be on the call with his boss in nine minutes and has just realized he has no idea what to say. The ducks are, in this metaphor, a deck. You are making the deck.
Feedback (noun)
He thinks it means: information offered in good faith to support growth.
It means, when he gives it: something he was upset about three weeks ago and has been waiting for the right moment to bring up. It means, when he receives it: an attack.
Help me understand
He thinks it means: I am open and curious.
It means: I disagree with the premise of everything you have just said, and I am going to make you re-explain it from the beginning until you talk yourself out of it. He is leaned back. He is not understanding. He is waiting.
Hopping into another meeting
He thinks it means: I'm busy but I care.
It means: I have constructed a calendar that allows me to exit any conversation at any time without conclusion. The next meeting may or may not exist. The Zoom waiting room he opens at 2:47 PM is for a meeting at 3:00.
Just a thought
He thinks it means: a casual suggestion you may take or leave.
It means: a directive. The thought is now a deliverable. If you do not act on the thought, it will be reframed in your performance review as "Mark felt he wasn't being heard."
Just thinking out loud
He thinks it means: brainstorming, low-stakes.
It means: he is about to say something he has been planning for two days. The "out loud" portion happens after the thinking, which has already concluded.
Let's take this offline
He thinks it means: a sidebar to respect everyone's time.
It means: he was about to be wrong in front of an audience, and he has just engineered an environment where he can be wrong in front of only you, and you cannot bring witnesses.
Let me workshop that
He thinks it means: I'll refine it and come back.
It means: he is going to do nothing with it. The phrase exists as a polite refusal that doesn't require him to actually refuse. In six weeks you will mention it again. He will say, "Oh — yeah, let me circle back on that."
Loop in
He thinks it means: add to a conversation.
It means: he is about to add three more people to an email thread, two of whom did not need to be there, to dilute accountability before a decision is required. The third person was added so the second person would feel chaperoned.
Make sure we're rowing in the same direction
He thinks it means: aligned, coordinated.
It means: he watched a leadership keynote on YouTube last weekend. The keynote was 14 minutes long and was sponsored by a CRM. He has been waiting all week to use this phrase.
Open door policy
He thinks it means: I am approachable. Come to me with anything.
It means: his door, which is in fact closed, will be theoretically open if you can prove that what you want to discuss is important enough to justify having entered. You will not be able to prove this. The policy is, in this sense, working as intended.
Own (verb)
He thinks it means: take responsibility for.
It means: I am giving this to you. I will not give you the authority that comes with ownership. You will, however, own the outcome.
Ping me
He thinks it means: send me a quick message.
It means: a verb he has chosen because it is more casual than "Slack" or "email," which would imply a record. "Ping" implies a vibration that may or may not have happened. He will, in nine days, claim he never received your ping.
Push back
He thinks it means: respectfully disagree.
It means: he is going to ignore what you said and continue with what he was already going to do, but the phrase "I appreciate the push back" lets him do this while seeming to honor your perspective. You have been heard. Nothing will change.
Quick question
He thinks it means: a small, easy question.
It means: a question that will, once answered, generate three follow-up questions, which will generate a meeting, which will generate a deck. Use of the word "quick" is inversely correlated with the actual size of the request.
Quick sync
He thinks it means: brief alignment touchpoint.
It means: a 47-minute meeting on the calendar at 15 minutes. No agenda. The first 19 minutes are about his weekend. The last 8 are about yours. There is no sync. There was never going to be a sync.
Sending good vibes
He thinks it means: warmth, support.
It means: he has decided this is not his problem, and the phrase is the bow he is tying around the decision. The vibes are the deliverable. The vibes are the entire deliverable.
Take a step back
He thinks it means: get perspective.
It means: I am going to reopen a discussion that was closed last Tuesday because I am not satisfied with how it concluded. We will be taking the step back together. We will be taking it for an hour.
Tiger team
He thinks it means: a small, focused, high-performing group.
It means: three people who already had full plates, plus Greg, plus a charter that nobody will read. The tiger team will meet twice. The first meeting will be about what the tiger team is. The second will be canceled.
Touch base
He thinks it means: brief check-in.
It means: a status update that is being requested without being labeled a status update, so he can ask for one without it counting as one. You will spend 26 minutes prepping for an "informal" 1:1 in which he will ask you for "where things stand."
Trust (as in, "I trust you")
He thinks it means: I have confidence in your judgment.
It means: he has just made you responsible for a decision he did not want to make, and the phrase "I trust you" is the mechanism by which the decision becomes yours. If the decision turns out well, he will say "we made a good call." If it turns out badly, he will say "I trusted you with this."
Wear many hats
He thinks it means: versatile, broad.
It means: we are not going to hire the headcount you need. You are doing three jobs. We are going to talk about how you are doing three jobs as if it were a feature of your role rather than a function of our refusal to staff it.
When you have a sec
He thinks it means: low priority, no rush.
It means: the highest priority message in your inbox today. The casualness is the urgency.
One last entry
I appreciate you
He thinks it means: thank you, I see your work.
It means: I am about to ask you for something significantly larger than what we are talking about right now. The appreciation is the preamble. Brace.